up to something.

So, it has been a while since I have come on here and have said hello to you all… hello. There it is. I have not been posting as consistently as I probably should, but I am going to say very confidently that in some ways I regret that, and in others I am happy that I did not. I don’t usually like when I feel I have missed out on something, or missed some sort of a deadline. It has been very hectic for me, this semester, in balancing all that I have going on in a day. I am happy to report, though, that I am doing so well. At least I think so. I have been breaking ground a lot from new research, more reflecting, and even some inspirational conversations that I have had with friends and colleagues. I am excited to keep exploring. I needed some time to just do.. you know? That time to really get my hands dirty. I still need that time because I am learning that that is how I work best. I like to surround myself in all that I am doing and just lie in it. The semester is still somewhat overwhelming because writing a thesis is not an easy task, but I have felt more free, less stressed, and more focused than I ever have. I like where I am, and I would like to stay there for now.

I ordered some books, and am anxiously waiting for them to arrive, but until they do I have tons of books/ articles stacked on my desk at home to continue to keep me busy. One of those books is called Voice as Process by Lizbeth A. Bryant.

Bryant, Lizbeth A. Voice As Process. Boynton/Cook Publishers, Inc., 2005.

Bryant, in all that I have read of this book so far, talks a lot about students trying on different voices. The first time I tried on my academic voice, I failed horribly. I tried to adapt by adding my flowery novel/poet voice to my academic work, but one day the novelist and poet in me started to fade. In thinking back to Audre Lorde’s “The Mater’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House”, I felt like my voice was my tool, and it had been taken away from me. I lost my voice trying to emulate those who I looked up to in the educational system (my teachers, professors, mentors and advisors). Their academic voices muffled mine, and it wasn’t until I had those same people ask me about me… that I realized I didn’t really own my own voice anymore. I couldn’t tap into me. I had lost it. It wasn’t in me. It was gone.

I felt lost, and I sometimes still do. I now had to question this “voice” of mine that I had always felt was just embedded in me to give. I currently feel like I have to work even harder to  try and re-create it and then sustain it. So, where do I go from here? What stage am I in now? Do I feel I have regained my voice at all? How and why? These are some very important questions that I am going to have to ponder on. Bryant is helping me, but if I am not careful, this thesis will turn into someone else’s work. I won’t let that happen.

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